Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I Quit

All I have accomplished today is the desire to QUIT.
Quit study that is, not life or work!

Last week I managed until 2pm before I have a major breakdown, unfortunately this week it only got to 10.30am.
I kicked, screamed, swore, yelled, cried  and generally lost it. My notes flew across the study and I walked stormed out of the room slamming the door behind me.

I am in a very low dark place at present and know that this is not rational thinking, but my emotions are on the edge and everytime I think about what is involved and how the hell am I going to achieve it more tears well up and threaten to flow.

I don't know if I am making this harder on myself or whether it really is this hard? But it is just not coming together. I have spent the last 4 Wednesdays going round and round in circles. I don't know whether I am missing the point or whether this is the whole point!
I am in week either 6 or 7 now and my first essay of 2000 words is due next week. Sadly I do not even have 3 words let alone any evidence to back up anything I want to write. The subjects are just not sinking in, I don't seem to be grasping an understanding of the whole thing and if I have to look for one more resource I think the computer will get it!
The course tutor has said to stopping looking for resources and to just write something down, but when you are struggling to understand the subject it is difficult to write anything. The 1st essay is in 4 parts and I am still only just trying to digest part 1, so I can't even move forward onto part 2 because otherwise it seems like a whole waste of the time I have just spent.
I don't seem to have taken any steps forward in the weeks since I started the study, I just seem to have gone backwards the whole way, way back actually.
I knew from the start of this adventure that me and distance learning just did not meet in the middle, I knew this was going to happen but had to start the ball rolling to see if it was achieveable because this was the only option available!

To say I am struggling is an understatement, I am lost, I don't know where to turn, what to look for, even how to find it. I seem to be wasting a lot of time trying to find a resource to only find that that one was of no use what so ever and have to start all over again.
I have the ability to access online databases, but am hitting brick walls there. I have the library at the hospital but limited time to get there but it takes time to go there and I am finding I realise I need something from there and then end up taking an hour out of my study time to manage to get the one resource which again then in turn turns out to be something that really has no relevance at all.
It has got to be easier than this, it has got to be a little simpler than this, it can't be this hard?

I know why I am attempting this study, I know what the end goal is, so please I don't need to be preached to about 'just think what you are working towards, just think about how you will feel when you achieve the end goal?' I know all that, don't think for a second it doesn't run through my head all the time. That is part of what makes this so frustrating, knowing that to a point this is my only option to achieve the goal I want, that is what makes it so hard, I know there is no other way.

I don't want to quit, I know that one of the papers I have coming up next year will be fun, I even think I may do it in the first semester next year instead of the 2nd because I know I will get through it and love it. But at the moment I have a very large black cloud hanging above me and I can't see my way out of it to even get to the end of this paper let alone move on to something else!


Kent and Leisy said...

I am so sorry that it's been so hard! there's nothing worse than that kind of frustration! I'll keep you in my prayers. You are VERY capable- and you WILL get it all figured out. Good luck!

kimara said...

Man I know how it feels to have the dark cloud following you around some days! Just think tomorrow can only get better. I can tell you are a women that really gets things done. This to shall pass and when it is all done you will be glad how it has made you grown.

I know none of this helps but I hope knowing I am thinking of you and saying a little prayer for you makes you feel a bit better! Chin up my friend.

Needled Mom said...

I wish that we could help you get through this. It is so hard having those black clouds hanging over your head,